Private Function Release “Goopy” Vinyl Variant that Smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina

Yeah, you read that correctly. Apparently, those darn Australian punks Private Function are back on their fuckery again. Their latest full-length album ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ is getting a special treatment, if we want to call it that. Of several variants the band is releasing for the record, they’ve called this one the “Goopy”… a variant the band says was made to smell like Gwyneth Paltrow vagine.

For those who are blessed enough to not know, this whole thing is a nod to Paltrow’s “wellness” company Goop, where she for whatever reason sold a candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina.” I’m not sure who fact checked whether or not it actually did smell like her hoohah but either way, the band found it quite hilarious and inspiring according to their guitarist Lauren Hester.

“This was potentially the greatest thing anyone had ever done, and everyone at Private Function was beyond impressed. We immediately tried to buy one, but due to the overwhelming demand, it sold out instantly. They now sell for over $700 USD each.

$700 USD to smell Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina is, quite frankly, classist—and we at Private Function think that every working-class person deserves access to that smell 24 hours a day.

So, congratulations to everyone lucky enough to score a Goopy record. You now own a scratch-and-sniff record that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.”

What’s even better is that the band did it on the low—they hired a French perfumer to replicate the scent and put in the vinyl without telling anyone. So, if you clicked the “Goopy” one just for the hell of it, you were in a real vaginal treat.

Private Function apparently love doing shit like this. For their last album 370HSSV 0773H they pressed a limited edition variant filled with the band’s urine.

Check out their latest single “Sucked In Fuckhead” below, as well as some upcoming tour dates.

Private Function 2025 tour dates:

5/31 – Canberra, ACT @ Gang Gang Bar & Café
6/01 – Beechworth, VIC @ Tanswells Hotel
6/07 – Sydney, NSW @ Crowbar
6/08 – Wollongong, NSW @ La La Las
6/13 – Adelaide, SA @ UniBar
6/14 – Perth, WA @ Milk Bar
6/20 – Brisbane, QLD @ Brightside
6/21 – Gold Coast, QLD @ Vinnies
6/27 – Melbourne, VIC @ Max Watts
6/28 – Hunter Valley, NSW @ Thrashville Festival

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